Sense of Civilization & Formality

I was recently having a conversation with my son regarding my mother’s ancestors and how they came from Denmark to settle in Oklahoma. In thinking not just about my great-grandparents but also the others so similar to them, I noted how many of them struggled to bring with them some of the finer things, such as their china and silverware. They brought their possessions not just across the ocean, but also across the country. I think most modern people would consider these items to be extremely frivolous in today’s world, so surely they were especially frivolous for these desperate people and the huge struggles they had in front of them.

To be honest, I never had a chance to visit with these ancestors, so I’ll never know their reasoning for bringing these items along. They were long gone before I came along, so I can only guess their reasons for carrying this particular additional burden.

With that said, I think there is something we can extrapolate from these early settlers. I believe they were trying to create, include, or maintain a sense of civilization and formality in the wilderness and open country in which they were settling. Using these items for a Sunday meal or a holiday was their way of saying to themselves that while they lived in a wild and desolate country and worked and toiled in the fields, they were more than just that—that despite the uncivilized world they were living and working in, they nonetheless were civilized people, working hard to aspire to and create a civilized world. I also think it was their way of putting an intrinsic value on life and elevating common events to make them special.

We have, in so many ways in modern times, become so informal. We have worked to make life convenient—so much so that I think we are missing something that our ancestors knew: that adding a bit of formality or flair to one’s life makes it more special.

I have often joked that the most delicious steak tastes no different on a paper plate than it does being served on fine china, that using plastic forks and knives doesn’t change the taste of the meal, and that a fine vintage wine tastes just as good drunk from a red Solo cup, as it would from a crystal wine glass.

My mother often told me stories of my grandfather working in the field all week behind a team of horses, wearing his overalls and work boots. But when the family came to town, she told me, my grandfather always put on a suit and tie and made his children dress up, too. They could have easily come to town for their supplies wearing their everyday work clothes, but instead, they made a conscious mental change that affected the framing and perception of the situation. This deliberate action spoke volumes about their intentions. They acknowledged that family visit as a special event to be appreciated. I think they also meant to separate themselves from their work—that while they toiled in the dirt and unkind weather, they were more than just poor dirt farmers. They were civilized people who were more interesting and complex than what they did for a living.

Creating a sense of formality or specialness is not done merely by using fine china and cutlery, however. I recently had a conversation with a friend regarding a special dinner for their family that went awry because they had tried so hard to make it special that it instead became a heartache and a point of sensitivity for many years to come.

I see people attending special events—eating out, going to church, attending funerals and weddings, going shopping, etc.—and often note it is not uncommon to see someone in their pajamas, or looking like they just rolled out of bed, or just that they just finished changing the oil in their vehicle. Even I will occasionally run by the store after working on the farm or stop to get something to eat looking like I have been wearing the same clothes for the past month. But, just dressing up to go to dinner or attend another social event helps to elevate it from just a meal or gathering to a memorable event.

There is so much talk about depression and a lack of direction in today’s world. While I am not so naïve as to suggest eating a meal off of fine china will give someone purpose or direction, I do think that making these small, intentional efforts can help to elevate the mundane to something more special.

I often hear people say that our ancestors had life figured out. Our civilized society has come a long way, but perhaps we can take a page from history and re-learn how to appreciate the small things.