Fitting In

I was recently browsing my Instagram when an interesting suggested post appeared. It was a lady–I would guess to be in her late 30s, maybe early 40s–that had immigrated from England to the United States 30 years ago. She had tried so hard to fit in but was seemingly unable to. She went on to explain that she had changed so much about herself in order to be accepted and to fit in, but she still didn’t feel like she totally belonged. She had tried to change her accent and so many of her mannerisms and thoughts that had been formed in England.

In a recent article, I said I used to believe that many emotions, like insecurity, went away with age, but that as I have grown older, I have come to realize that these emotions really don’t disappear, but instead, they take on another form. I feel the same way about fitting in. While it is thought to be a young person’s problem, the older I get, the more I realize that the need and desire to fit in doesn’t go away. Adults are just better at hiding it, and expressing it in different ways.

When it came to fitting in, I spent most of my life thinking that the more one molds their personality and beliefs to the group or society they want to fit into, it would seem the more likely they will, in fact, become part of that group. As I have grown wiser, I realize just the opposite is true.

You see, it is our individual uniqueness that sets each of us apart from others and ultimately creates that likeability that we humans so crave. If you carve off or try to hide your individual qualities or characteristics in the belief that it will help you fit in, that will only hamper you, and ironicly just the opposite will happen.

There are a couple of other factors that come into play. First, once one starts measuring their words and actions, others unconsciously recognize that one is in fact hiding something or presenting a facade. Our thousands of years of experience have taught us to be careful around those who seem to be untruthful, which in modern times means others will treat you with skepticism.

Secondly, I have realized that we often want others to like and accept us when we don’t even truly like or accept ourselves. Put another way, we are wanting others to go farther and do more than we are willing to do ourselves. Isn’t that a humbling thought?